stopped in my tracks

Do you ever read something and feel it resonate deep into the depths of your heart?  It's a strange sensation, to be reading along and have something stop you dead in your tracks- like the words on the page were written specifically to you.

I get a daily devotion in my inbox each morning- Streams in the Desert, by L.B. Cowman.  I've got this in my inbox for years, and there are times in my life I pay more attention to it than others.  Maybe it's because I'm living in the desert right now, but I've been reading it a bit more closely each morning.  Yesterday, the words at the end of the passage stopped me.  I felt them deep in the very depths of my heart.

"Beloved, do not try to get out of a dark place, except, in God's time and in God's way. The time of trouble is meant to teach you lessons that you sorely need... Premature deliverance may frustrate God's work of grace in your life." --The Still Small Voice


I've spent so much time in the past few weeks trying to figure God out... praying for things to work out in my time frame, in the ways I can see.  And as I sat there in frutstrated silence, wondering how in the world things would ever work out, the Lord spoke to me. 
 
I read the words above and KNEW.  I've been trying to find my own path, light my own way.  And in doing so, I had become frustrated, sad and a little big angry.  As I've prayed and tried to release this anxiety into His hands, He has begun to do a work.  My prayers have changed.  Instead of praying for deliverance and escape, I'm asking for His nearness.  Instead of asking for what I can see, I'm trusting in the unseen.  I'm asking His hand of grace to be upon me, doing a work that only He can do.
 
"Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys his servant?
If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God."
Isaiah 50:10

Micah's Mom: an update

After yet another emotional week of doctors, tests, procedures and the roller coaster ride that is cancer, Micah's mom finally came home yesterday afternoon.  Last night was so nice to be together somewhere that wasn't the hospital.  I think we are all adjusting to this new "normal" for our family. 

Let me back up a bit to tell you where we are headed.  We switched hospitals early last week to be under a doctor who specializes in the Pancreas.  Our hope was that he would be able to do the Whipple procedure.  Unfortunately, the cancer has spread beyond the operable area, making surgery no longer an option.

After a couple smaller surgeries, they were able to relieve some of the pain in her abdomen and she is able to eat.  Yesterday morning they put a port in for her chemo, which will begin in about two weeks.

So that's where we are for right now... just sitting back and waiting.  And thanking the Lord for little blessings along the way.

"Do not fear, for I am with you,
do not anxiously look about you,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you;
surely I will help you,
surely I will uphold you
with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

Marathon Training: Weeks 10 & 11

Wow... I can't believe I only have 5 weeks of marathon training left.  It seems like just yesterday I was trying to decide if I REALLY wanted to do this... and now the moment is almost here.  Unbelievable!

Week 10 was during that awful week  So I only got in my Monday run and a longish run on Saturday.  I don't even have an exact time for my 9ish mile run I did that Saturday.  I had left my Garmin in my car, which was at the hospital with Micah.  And can we take a minute to talk about how weird it feels to run without my garmin after being so attached to it over the past months since I got it?  I was constantly checking my wrist to see nothing there.

Week 11 was more of the same as the week before it, but I was back to work and therefore back to my regular running routine.  At one point, I considered dropping down to the half, just because I know this is so time consuming and I want to be available to Micah and his family.  But he convinced me to go ahead and finish out my training- mainly because he wants me to get this whole "marathon" thing out of my system... ha!

Monday: We were scheduled to run a 5 mile progressive run.  Having been off for almost a whole week, I was feeling sluggish.  I did manage to push and mile 4 was 8:05.  It was a tough run, but it felt nice to be back in my routine.

Wednesday: Another 7 miles, this time with 5 miles of tempo in the middle.  I just couldn't get it in gear and my tempos were all right around 9:30.  I also had my first marathon training wipeout during this run.  I stepped off the sidewalk, and next thing I knew I was laying on the ground.  I got up and finished, it was only when I got home that I realized I had strawberries and bruises on my knees and a hole in my favorite running capris.  Oh well, it could have been worse!


Saturday: The elusive 20 miles... I went to bed Friday night super nervous about running 20 miles.  That just seems so... FAR. 

I met up with Carrie and Kala at 6:15, ran 5 miles back to the car and got some fuel.  Then we set out on 10 miles with the running buddies from church.  About mile 12, it started to get REALLY cold and drizzling.  I hadn't dressed for the temperature drop, so when we got back to the car at mile 16 I was freezing!  Honestly, at that point I would have stopped if Carried hadn't been there to push me on.

We took off on our last 4 miles.  The first mile was into the north wind and it was COLD.  After we turned, it wasn't as bad.  The sun had (somewhat) risen and the drizzle had stopped.  I was feeling really strong when we looked up and saw that a train was completely stopped on the tracks we needed to stop.  We quickly took a turn and went across the bridge under the tracks.  This made our mileage a little long, but I was so glad to be finished. 


Long Run #11: 20 Miles
Average Pace: 9:49
Total Time: 3:14:58

Mile #1:  10:04
Mile #2:  10:13
Mile #3:    9:48
Mile #4:    9:55
Mile #5:  10:02
Mile #6:    9:35
Mile #7:    9:40
Mile #8:    9:37
Mile #9:    9:40
Mile #10:10:08
Mile #11:  9:45
Mile #12:  9:33
Mile #13:  9:31
Mile #14:  9:49
Mile #15:  9:37
Mile #16: 10:23
Mile #17:  9:52
Mile #18:  9:35
Mile #19:  9:38
Mile #20: 10:24

I can't believe we're almost to the race taper point.  We've got 2 more weeks of hard training, then it's taper time.  Speaking of, I've got 7 miles EARLY tomorrow, so I should go to bed.

blessings

A sweet friend told me about this song last week.
It's been on repeat since then.
Every time I listen to it, a new part speaks to me.
I hope it speaks to you.

 

What if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

what a week, round 2

"I would have despaired unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage:
Yes, wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:13-14

This verse sums up 2011 so far.  Because without the belief that God's goodness is surrounding me in the wait, I would most DEFINITELY despaired.

Saturday evening I got a call from Micah's sister letting me know they had taken her mom to the ER.  She was having serious abdominal pain and her skin was turning yellow.  A CAT scan revealed something in her pancreas blocking her liver.  They thought it could be a tumor, so she was admitted about 3AM Sunday morning.

Fast forward to Wednesday- the oncologist met with the family to tell them what he found in the tests that had been done so far.  Basically they were met with a couple different scenarios- the cancer could have NOT spread and be contained in the tumor.  This would lead to a very intense and invasive Whipple procedure.   If the cancer HAD spread to other areas, we would talk about different treatment options depending on the extent of the spreading. Only 2% of patients fall into the first scenario...

A series of tests were ordered for Friday morning, a PET scan and a laparoscopic, centrifuge test.  These would reveal a clearer picture of where exactly the cancer was in her body.  We left the hospital Wednesday and Thursday nervous and asking the Lord for the cancer to be contained in the area capable of being removed.

Today was a day filled with waiting.  John Mark went with my parents to hang out and play for the day so I was able to be with Micah.  A little over 2 hours after she went back for the test, she was back and immediately taken back to be prepped for the next series of tests.  They let us know the first test had revealed only 2 small spots on her liver, so she was cleared to go on with the next test.

After 8 hours of waiting, the surgeon came out to let us know the cancer appeared to be contained to the tumor.  They removed part of the spots on her liver to be biopsied.  If the results of the biopsy and the other test come back clean, they will move forward with the Whipple procedure sometime next week.

To say it's been an intense week would be an understatement.  Through it all I have seen the peace that transcends all understanding in Micah and his family.  I have felt the support of the body of Christ- through prayers, messages, coffee, sitting with me in the waiting room, staying the night with me... we are blessed.

There's still a long road ahead of us, and I would ask you to please pray.  We know that the Lord is Sovereign and in control of every circumstance of our lives.

"there is a light
that burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night and casts no shadows
there is HOPE
should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails"
--take heart, hillsong
(aka my life theme song)

the only one

I've always been a people pleaser... I lived the majority of my life believing no one would ever REALLY like me.  I always thought I could never be pretty enough or funny enough or smart enough- so I took the backseat to life and followed behind whoever was willing to lead me.  I went to college and hid behind a back-home boyfriend.  When I did (finally) branch out and make one friend, I held onto her until I allowed her negativity to permeate my very core and drive everyone else out of my life.  I got married and spent time trying to give off the constant appearance of having everything together.

A couple of VERY tough lessons came within my first year of marriage.  I was forced to lay down my pride and arrogance, to ask myself a very difficult question, one pulled straight from the heart of scripture: "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Galatians 1:10.

So I spent a solid year in the Word and with some women I trusted greatly.  I began to recognize the lies I had believed about myself for years.  I started to finally see myself as the masterpiece God had created me to be.  It was a beautiful, freeing experience.  I got out of my comfort zone... I made new friends... I started teaching a small group of MS students... I began to believe that He who began this good work in me would be faithful to complete it.

That was a little over 6 years ago and since then my life has changed drastically.  I wish I could say from that point on I never had anymore struggles with insecurity and my need to please people, but of course that would be a lie.  A couple of weeks ago, after some things had been said to me by a couple of different people, I began to doubt everything about my life.  I found myself in that place of doubt, wondering if I could ever be good enough.  Then I read this quote and it stopped me dead in my tracks:

The ONLY ONE who has a right to shape our lives is Jesus Christ. --Francis Frangipane

I read that quote, closed the book I read it in and immediately fell to my knees in my living room.  I had been allowing the people around me to shape my life.  So I examined my heart against the only opinion that matters.  And I found Him there with open arms, waiting for me to ask forgiveness and start again on this journey of freedom.

What has He taught you today?

Marathon Training: Week 9

We are officially past the halfway point in our training.  I can't believe I've made it to this point.  After this weeks 18 miles, I only have one more distance I haven't conquered yet- besides the marathon, obviously!  It's also a reason to celebrate- nice, spring weather is finally on it's way!  For the first time, our early morning runs were in capris and long-sleeve T's!

Monday: The schedule called for a 7 mile, "hill" training run... however, our early morning coordinator- Rosemarie- was unable to run early that morning.  And considering the hill workout Carrie put us through on Saturday, neither one of us felt up to running up and down a hill.  So we set out on 7 relatively easy miles.  My legs felt like lead, and I just couldn't get going.


Wednesday: I woke up feeling good, surprisingly ready for the 7 mile tempo run we had scheduled.  Can I just tell you how bizarre it is that 7 miles is now our weekday run?  I ran my tempo miles all under 9:00, which was exciting to me.  I think I felt the need to redeem my 10k from the weekend before.  I ended that run feeling better than I had on a weekday run in a while.

Friday: Instead of doing our long run on Saturday, it was easier to put those miles in on Friday.  Kala had to go out of town early Saturday morning, and I was anxious to get these 18 miles out of the way.  We were looking for a change of scenery, so we met at a park on the other side of town. 

We did a 5.5 mile loop through the park, back to our cars for fuel and water.  After some tummy and blood sugar issues on the past couple of long runs, I decided to try a different gel.  Accel gel has protein mixed into the formula, so I thought it was worth a shot.  I'm happy to say this is my new go-to fuel for long runs.  My stomach didn't hurt once and I didn't feel lightheaded or woozy.  Plus, I felt strong until the very end of this run.  In fact, this might have been my favorite long run to date!

We stopped once during the second loop of our run to potty.  I had some sport beans, and the caffeine in those really gave me a boost!  I really think the combination of a gel with protein and taking in more fuel during the run was KEY!

It wasn't until the last two miles of the run that I started to even feel tired.  And I was so angry, because I knew at that point, I wasn't even feeling tired physically.  It was all mental!  I started singing an old Rebecca St. James song- "You make the road rise up to meet me, You make the sun shine warm upon my face... God I lift You high, You are my Abba."  That helped, and before I knew it, 18 miles were done!  Another personal distance record for this girl is in the books.

Unfortunately, I once again messed up my garmin during the run, so my times are a little off.  I only show 17.25 miles, but Kala assured me I ran the full 18.

Long Run #9: 18 Miles
Average Pace: 9:35 (according to Kala)
Total Time: 2:56

Mile #1:   9:40
Mile #2:   9:20
Mile #3:   9:34
Mile #4:   9:12
Mile #5:   9:46
Mile #6: 10:04
Mile #7: 10:08
Mile #8: 10:04
Mile #9:   9:51
Mile #10: 9:33
Mile #11: 9:42
Mile #12: 9:20
Mile #13: 9:31
Mile #14: 9:39
Mile #15: 9:33
Mile #16: 9:44
Mile #17: 10:00

Marathon Training: Week 8

I know this is over a week late, but I am just getting around to posting.
I'll post week 9 later today.
Also, I promise this isn't turning into a running blog.
It's just all that's on my brain lately.

Monday: We met at our usual place and set off on a 6 mile progressive run.  1 mile warm-up, followed by a faster pace for each mile that follows.  Our last mile was right at 8 minutes.  It was hard, but not totally awful.  I can tell I'm getting stronger.

Wednesday: I woke up with an awful allergy headache, and just generally felt yucky.  I was in the bathroom getting dressed when I decided I just couldn't do it.  It was partially that I didn't feel great physically, but mentally I was wiped too.  So I texted the girls and went back to bed.

Saturday: The schedule called for 14 miles, but the Creek Classic 10K was that morning.  Carrie and I decided to meet early, run 6, then do the 10K.  This could also be called the time Carrie tried to kill me.  We woke up that morning to temps in the 30s with wind from the north at 30mph.  Just FYI, those are not ideal running conditions.

We drove out to deer creek and set off from the school parking lot.  The first 4 miles weren't too bad, just cold.  Then we turned and headed north... for 2 miles... straight UPHILL.  Seriously.  We turned around at the end and looked back to a complete incline.  It was literally the most awful 20 minutes of my life.  BUT... we did it.  And I know that runs like that are what make us stronger and better.

After our 6 miles, we went into the school and warmed up.  I changed my shirt into one that wasn't sweaty and ate my fuel.  I started feeling much better and was ready for the 10K.  I've only ran one other race that distance and that was several years ago.  I ended up with a 10K PR- 54:43.  I wanted so badly to come in under 54:00, but at mile 4 I had burned through all of my fuel and ended up bent over, praying I didn't pass out.  I still finished with great times, but it just wasn't what I was hoping for.

I messed up my garmin during the first half of the run, but I have the splits for the 10K.


Long Run #8: Creek Classic 10K, 6.2 Miles
Average Pace: 8:47
Total Time: 54:43:26

Mile #1:   9:02
Mile #2:   8:36
Mile #3:   8:26
Mile #4:   8:37
Mile #5:   8:49
Mile #6:   9:07