mommy guilt

This pregnancy has been so much the same as my first with JM.  And in other ways, it couldn't be more different.  Which I guess is pretty normal...

Some of these differences I expected.  I knew that I would be a little more nervous this time around.  When I got pregnant with JM, I had nothing to really compare it to.  I was one of the first of my friends to be pregnant and everything went so normal.  In the years since JM was born, I've known a lot of people who have dealt with really hard things surrounding pregnancy.  So I knew I would be scared.

The one thing I couldn't have seen coming was the GUILT I have felt over having another baby and what this means for John Mark.  It's been the three of us for FIVE years- that's a long time.  We have our ways of doing things... JM has been our world and life for so long- it's hard to imagine throwing another person into the mix.  Throw in the 5 THOUSAND comments I have heard about his world being rocked and how much life is going to change... blah, blah, blah... I can quickly become a mess.

Don't get me wrong- none of this is coming from my sweet boy.  He couldn't be more excited to finally be a big brother... and he loves this baby so much.  Today he told me that he will change all of her diapers so I won't have to.  Precious...  But his world has changed so much just by other circumstances this year, that it makes me sad to know this is throwing something else into the mix.

So I've spent a great deal of time praying that the Lord will calm my heart.  Reading verses reminding me that this is all a part of His divine plan- none of this is a surprise.  I have learned so much in this past year about the sovereignty of the Lord.  I just need to rest in that during this joyous time as I have learned to in the trials.


"The fear of man and what they plan will fade
But we know You alone are God of every day...
My hope is in the Lord."
--Day after Day, Kristian Stanfill